Updated on August 20, 2024
Parents play very vital roles in our lives and as they grow older, they may need extra care. This is because they may be suffering from some illnesses peculiar to old people – a decline in their memory and cognitive and physical abilities.
Caring for aging parents brings some tiring moments, but remember that in those moments, you have to be sensitive to their feelings and gentle when talking to them. And although some things need to be said, you can always phrase them in better ways.
Here are 20 things to remember never to say to your aged parents.
- “How come you don’t remember?”
Because they are aging, they may tend to forget things a lot. Gently remind them of their grandchild’s name, about the appointment they have or that their great aunt Becca is now gone.
- “You need help”
While they might need the help, telling them this can make them feel less independent. Instead, let them know how concerned you are about how they can navigate their daily tasks alone and talk about how they can be assisted.
- “I don’t have time for this”
This can make them feel like a burden even if you genuinely don’t have the time. Tell them you’ll make time as soon as you can.
- “You’re too old to do that”
Whether it is driving, cleaning, grocery shopping or housekeeping. If you think they can’t handle it alone, offer to help them or send the needed help their way.
- “You already told me this”
This, to them, might be a reminder that they are getting forgetful. If it’s a story you’ve heard a lot of times, still smile and patiently listen or ask questions that may steer the conversation to something else.
- “When you’re gone, I want this”
If you want to talk about their inheritance, this isn’t the right way to go about it. You don’t need to remind them that they will be no more soon. Instead, let them know that it’s important to put their affairs in order while they are still here, to make things easy for everyone.
- “You shouldn’t live alone anymore”
This is in cases where they seem not to be managing well on their own and you want them to either move in with you or stay where they can be taken care of. They will have their objections, but you can slowly ease into the conversation and make them see reasons why they shouldn’t live alone anymore.
- “You can do this if you put in more effort”
They may start facing difficulties in carrying out even the simplest of tasks. So, instead of making them feel like they’re not trying, offer to help them when they can’t do it anymore. Or get someone to help them.
- “But I taught you this yesterday”
Learning things they are not familiar with may not be easy, especially since some of them may struggle with memory problems. So, you can keep teaching them till they get a hang of it or get labels that would make remembering easy for them.
- “You should get a cane”
You might notice that they need some form of support to stand, sit or walk. But to them, it might make them feel older. Just let them know that you’re worried they might fall if they don’t get some form of support to move around.
- “You shouldn’t drive anymore”
This looks controlling, and they don’t like to be controlled, especially since they’ve probably been the ones calling the shots for as long as you remember. Now, you can just express your concerns about their road safety and proffer other alternatives that can help them move around.
- “You’re too old to understand”
Emphasizing how old they are may not be a good idea. Although certain concepts may be alien to them in this time and age, highlighting that isn’t how you should make them opt out. Instead, choose better words and encourage them to try other things.
- “You need to be fast”
This is you calling them slow and this may also make them feel weak. Instead of hurrying them, Allow them to do things that would allow them to go at their own pace and not feel hurried.
- “Don’t worry about that”
They’re parents, of course, they’ll worry. You shouldn’t dismiss their input or feelings concerning matters that might make them worry. Instead, talk them into feeling at ease.
- “Don’t eat that”
While their food choices greatly influence their health, you shouldn’t boss them around when it comes to what they eat. Instead, discuss and work out meal plans that would be a healthy balance of the things they like and other healthy options for them.
- “You can’t do that on your own”
They’ve been doing a lot of things by themselves way before they became your parents. So, telling them what they can and cannot do might seem a bit imposing. Instead, say something like, “I want to get you some help.”
- “Why can’t you be more like (another old person)”
You would hurt them with comparisons and also make them feel ‘not good enough.’ Instead, focus on what makes them different.
- “We don’t do things that way now”
This looks like you’re dismissing their experiences and what they know. Try to make them see why you should try new methods instead of outrightly dismissing their suggestions.
- “Stop being difficult”
Labelling their behaviour as “difficult” can build resentment as it is a very hurtful thing to say. Try to see things from their perspective and approach the situation with empathy and respect.
- “It’s for your good”
This sounds like genuine care and concern, but it may also sound like you’re being controlling. Instead, talk about how you can work together to get the best care for them.
By carefully choosing your words, you get to maintain a loving and respectful relationship with your aging parents while having even the most difficult conversations with them.
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